The Neckbones

Tuesday, November 03, 2009
A while ago, I created some neck vertabrae out of clay...with the ultimate goal of mounting them on rebar so they were suspended in space...mounted onto a wooden platform, with a background painting of hands coming towards the neckbones.
All this a memorializing of the incident with my father and mother, whereas my father did his best to strangle the life out of me.
My daughter pretty much saved me...pulling said biological unit off of me and taking a couple of punches herself before taking away the benefit of the doubt and wrestling the man into a choke hold, his hands behind his back...and the words "oh, no, you're not doing this to me or my mom"...he ran away into the garage as we called the police.
There's more to this story, obviously - we had just arrived with 2 weeks worth of food for the parents; my mom dying of cancer and her husband (our father)who told everyone who would listen what a BURDEN it was to take care of his wife of 62 years - who did everything for him - this man whining about not being able to go cruising.
GO CRUISE, then, old man; we'll take care of mom.
But no!
If WE took care of her, she would live...an obvious conflict for him...his own physician asked me why the father had so much of a vested interest in his wife's demise.
What we could put together came in the form of Cialis tabs on the bathroom sink...there was another woman, there have always been other women.
And, I think my mother, when she realized she would not be the priority; and had overheard my father complaining about taking care of her (this was 4 months in...) - most probably gave up.
It was too much to do battle with on top of the battle raging inside her body.
She did get scared, asked to go back to hospital - and got better!!! - only to have father screaming at her in her hospital bed "so you think you can live???"
It must have been pretty depressing for her. But we were not allowed to get close after we all made it clear we wanted to take care of her.
HE did not want her to be taken care of.
OK...back to the neckbones.
I had a moment of clarity...an epiphany...a state of grace. I threw the neckbones into the trash...and the anonimity of the sacramento garbage facility was just what I needed. I'll never know where they are... If I had buried them in the backyard, the effect would be the same as if I had completed the piece:
I would give power to the man...and keep myself connected forever...every time someone asked me about the piece I would relive it to a certain extent.
WAY BETTER to have just LET GO!!!
Wow, did it feel good!!!
And, I think, if I had been working my regular schedule, not taking a significant break, would I have achieved this enlightenment?
Probably not.
So again, I am GRATEFUL to be unemployed and able to process stuff I have been holding onto in survival mode.